The Curious Case of Values: How They Shape Social Anxiety Recovery

Introduction: The Curious Case of Values

Have you ever noticed how the word values gets tossed around like we all agreed what it means?
What the heck are values anyway, and why do they seem so important in therapy?

It is surprisingly hard to define. When I ask people to describe their values, I rarely get similar answers.

When you hear the word value, what is the first thing that pops into your mind?
Whatever it was, that is what we would call a derived relational frame.

Understanding Values Through Relational Frame Theory

Somewhere along the way, you learned what “value” means through family, culture, religion, teachers, or even a motivational poster in a waiting room. Your mind now automatically fills in that meaning.

In Relational Frame Theory (RFT), the theory underneath Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), that is exactly what language is built to do. It connects words with meanings and emotions and helps shape our behavior.

And if you are new here, I am Dr. Matt Bedell, LPC S and LCDC, and this is Belonging Matters, where we explore how ACT provides a shame and trauma informed pathway to meaningful recovery from social anxiety.

Values as a Compass for Behavior

In ACT, language is behavior.
And if language is behavior and behavior moves us toward meaning, then values give our behavior a compass. They point us in a direction we can walk toward even when fear is present.

Imagine a compass that always points east.
No matter how far east you travel, you can never “finish” going east.

Values work the same way.

A value is something to focus behavior toward, not something to accomplish.
You cannot finish kindness.
You cannot check off love.
You cannot declare curiosity “complete.”

Values are never done.

Living Your Values

Even though you cannot finish a value, you can take actions aligned with it.

If I value quality family time, maybe that means taking a summer vacation.
When we return, that same value might look like a screen free dinner.

Different actions and same value.

Values are lived and not completed.

Values as Verbs in Motion

Values behave a lot like adverbs. They shape how we move through the world. They describe the quality of our actions and the intention behind our choices.

In ACT, we often treat values like verbs, not grammatically and behaviorally.

Instead of:

• “I have kindness,” or

• “I am kind,”

it becomes:

• “I move with kindness,” and

• “I choose responses that carry a kind intention.”

Values are verbs in motion and ongoing patterns of intentional action.

When someone says, “He is being curious,” or “She is acting with kindness,” we are watching values come alive through behavior.

Changing and Choosing Values

Values can be chosen and they can feel pre programmed, like the default definition you already had for the word value.

And values can absolutely change.

There were seasons in my life where I worked out because I valued “looking good,”
then seasons where competition mattered more,
and now my value is mindfulness.

Same behavior.
Completely different value guiding it.

Values are not rules.
There is no right or wrong set.
There is only the direction your compass is pointing.

Unhelpful Behaviors vs. Valid Values

Here is an important distinction:

There is such a thing as unhelpful behavior.
There is no such thing as an unhelpful value.

ACT evaluates behavior through workability:

• Does it move you toward what matters?

• Does it help build the life you want?

• Does it reduce long term suffering?

If someone values achievement, that value is valid.
And if the behaviors are:

• perfectionism

• overworking

• burnout

• self criticism

…then the behaviors are unhelpful and the value remains human and valid.

Valid does not mean “morally right” and it simply means the value is real.

Values Hidden Beneath Behavior

Take the word manipulation. People hear it and jump to judgment.

Manipulation is simply a category of behaviors we use to get a need met when we do not see another option.

If a teenager lies about their grades, that behavior did not appear out of nowhere.
Functionally, they might be pursuing:

• freedom

• safety

• avoidance of punishment

• protection of a relationship

When we understand the need, we can spot the value underneath it.

And once we can name the value, we can build with it.

If the value is freedom, we can preserve that value and shift the behavior.

Maybe the teen wears a bracelet with the word “Freedom” spelled out in beads and a physical anchor reminding them of what they are moving toward.

From that place, behavior can change:

• completing homework on time

• asking for help

• communicating more honestly

Same value.
Healthier behavior.

If we only target the lying, we miss the misalignment underneath.

Unaddressed values always find their way out through behavior and helpful or not.

Values and Social Anxiety

Values can shift and evolve and soften and sharpen.
And if we stop judging them long enough to listen and especially to our pain, our values often reveal themselves.

With social anxiety, I often ask:

“What is stopping you from doing the thing you are avoiding?”
Then we flip it.

If the barrier is fear of humiliation, the underlying value might be acceptance.
We practice acceptance by doing the hard thing with fear along for the ride and working on the belief that we can cope with the aftermath.

If the barrier is perfectionism, the underlying value might be self compassion.
We practice compassion before, during, and after the behavior and even if it is messy.

Our pain points are often the shadows of our deepest values.

And when we avoid moving toward those values, distress usually grows.

Following values is not always pleasant and values explain why we do hard things even when we do not feel like doing them.

Values in Daily Life

If I am exhausted and do not feel like working out and mindful exercise fuels my recovery, then my value becomes the compass.

I bring the fatigue with me and see what is still possible.

Acting consistently in the direction of recovery strengthens psychological flexibility.

How Values Bring Clarity

When values are clear, they can turn chaos into direction.

I often tell clients:
“After chaos comes clarity.”

Values help us do hard things and not because we have to and because they matter.

When we act from that place and with intention toward what matters most, we start building a life that feels less like surviving and more like belonging.

Conclusion: Embracing Committed Action

For people with social anxiety, values help guide the choice to do the terrifying thing. Going to the grocery store, cooking for someone you care about, attending a gathering and whatever it is.

Values help us embrace committed action.

If you are a therapist and you feel like this direction would support your clients, I have linked my full CEU training below.
We explore all the ACT pillars and how to use them to support recovery from social anxiety through a shame and trauma-informed lens.

I am really grateful you are here.

Therapist CEU link: Click Here

Take care,

Dr. Matt