When You Stop Believing Every Thought
Understanding Defusion and Social Anxiety
If there’s a moment I’ve seen play out hundreds of times in therapy while helping people build recovery from social anxiety, it’s this: a client will pause and say something like, “I probably said too much.”
Or maybe, “They probably think I’m weird.”
And sometimes it’s softer, “I don’t think they really like me.”
For a brief second, it sounds like they’re stating a fact, as if the sky is blue or gravity is real. When you listen closely though, you can almost hear the thought land with weight. It’s heavy, convincing, and familiar.
The question isn’t “Is it true?”
The real question is, “What happens when you believe it?”
That’s where defusion begins.
Understanding Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), defusion means creating space between ourselves and our experiences. Those experiences include our thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations, like the flutter in your stomach before you speak, or the tightness in your chest when shame shows up.
Through defusion, we start to see thoughts as just thoughts. They’re not commands or reflections of who we are. We begin to recognize feelings as feedback rather than facts we must obey. And sensations, those physical signs that come and go, are open to interpretation. They don’t dictate what we must believe.
That space between ourselves and our experiences is what gives us the ability to choose how we respond.
The Concept of Defusion
When viewed through the shame lens, defusion becomes deeply compassionate work. Shame isn’t only about what we feel; it’s about what we believe we are.
A belief, outside of a religious context, can be defined as the most repetitive opinion we tell ourselves. It doesn’t matter how many letters are after my name or how many people I help, if I keep repeating, “I’m stupid and unhelpful,” my mind will believe it despite objective facts.
In a psychologically flexible way, I might instead say, “I’m not intelligent in all areas, nor am I helpful to all people, and I am still good enough.”
When clients are fused with shame-based thoughts like “I’m broken,” “I’m awkward,” or “I don’t belong,” they live inside those sentences as if they are homes. Defusion helps them find the door and step outside to watch their experiences unfold.
How Social Anxiety Operates
Social anxiety isn’t just the fear of judgment. It’s fusion with quiet, familiar stories of the mind:
“I probably said too much.”
“They probably think I’m weird.”
“I don’t think they really like me.”
None of these are logical conclusions, they’re felt experiences. They’re what happens when shame and anxiety combine to convince us that our discomfort must mean we did something wrong.
Defusion teaches us to step back from those stories and notice them as stories rather than realities. It’s not about changing what you think. It’s about changing how you relate to those thoughts when they appear.
When you pay attention, you’ll notice that experiences rise and fall over time, happiness, sadness, anxiety, stress, all ebb and flow. They move through us rather than define us.
Defusion allows us to take a breath and notice that these experiences are unfolding in front of us. They’re not evidence that we’re broken. They’re reminders that we’re more than what we feel.
It’s like the moment you realize you’re speeding. The second you notice, something shifts. You suddenly have a choice, slow down, check your surroundings, or keep going. The moment you noticed you were speeding, you became defused from the experience of speeding. You stepped out of autopilot and gave yourself a chance to choose an action rather than being carried by momentum.
That’s what defusion does, it creates that split second of awareness where we can respond instead of react.
Practical Defusion Exercises
My two favorite defusion exercises are ones I often use in therapy.
The first is called The Inner Critic; it takes a bit longer to explain. If you’d like me to make a full blog and video walking you through that one, let me know in the comments or send me an email.
The second exercise is simpler and fits well in a shorter time frame. It’s called the Word Repetition Exercise.
Client Case Study: Overcoming the Fear of Being Seen
One day, a client came in and we noticed a familiar pattern, a deep fear of being noticed. Not just fear of judgment, but fear of being seen at all. In the grocery store. At home. Anywhere.
So I asked if they’d like to try a small experiment, not with me, but with their mind and the story that kept showing up. When they agreed, we explored what the experience really meant.
What we found was this: “I’m scared of being deeply seen.”
When they said those words, they described it as if everyone could see every flaw, every inadequacy, every missed opportunity. No matter where they went, they felt moments away from being exposed.
When they whispered, “They see you,” tears filled their eyes.
So we set up the exercise. I said, “Your eyes can be open or closed, either is fine. You don’t have to make eye contact with me. I’ll be watching the time. For the next 30 seconds, your goal is to say those three words as fast as you can. Don’t worry about the clock; just focus on noticing your experience while you repeat the words.”
For half a minute, they repeated, “They see you, they see you, they see you…”
At first, their body was tense, jaw clenched, shoulders tight. Halfway through, something shifted. The words began to lose their sting.
By the end, they exhaled and said softly, “It’s just words.”
That was the moment of defusion. Not because the story vanished, it was still there; instead, it lost its power.
The Power of Defusion in Recovery
Defusion isn’t about stopping thoughts. That’s impossible. It’s about helping people notice the process of thinking itself.
These experiences aren’t who we are. They’re simply what’s happening in the moment. It’s like recognizing a storm without assuming the storm defines the sky. The clouds move through; they don’t own the sky.
In recovery from social anxiety, this process is essential. Old stories will return. Shame will whisper, “You’re still the same person you used to be.” Defusion allows you to respond differently, to notice the thought and choose not to collapse into it.
That’s what keeps recovery alive, the ability to experience familiar narratives without surrendering to them.
Diffusion Techniques for Therapists
For clinicians, defusion work often begins with modeling. When a client says, “I’m so awkward. No one will ever like me,” respond with curiosity instead of correction.
You might say, “I notice your mind tells you that story a lot. What are your thoughts on that pattern?”
That subtle shift invites observation instead of argument. It helps clients recognize that thoughts are events of the mind, not verdicts of worth.
From there, you can introduce experiential exercises, saying the thought slowly, singing it, or labeling it as “I’m having the thought that…” Each of these helps loosen the grip of painful narratives.
More than any technique, tone matters most. Defusion isn’t mocking the mind, it’s befriending it. It’s saying, “I see you. You’re trying to protect me. And I don’t have to follow you today.”
Over time, this practice builds a new kind of strength, not the strength of control, but of flexibility. It allows people to show up in their lives even when their minds are noisy.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to get rid of your thoughts to get your life back. The goal of recovery isn’t silence; it’s spaciousness. When thoughts lose their grip, values can take the wheel.
That’s when belonging begins to reappear; not as a concept, but as a lived experience.
Defusion, at its heart, is an act of self-kindness. When we hold our minds with gentleness instead of fear, we create space for compassion and choice. We remember that who we are is larger than what we think.
If you’re tired of the noise in your head, start small. Notice one thought today. Name it: “I notice the thought that…” Then take one small action toward something that matters to you, even with that thought along for the ride.
That’s recovery. That’s courage. And that’s the heart of defusion.
If you’re a therapist and this resonates with you, I’ve created a CEU based on my doctoral research that dives deeper into the six phases of recovery from social anxiety through a trauma- and shame-informed lens. Click Here for CEU.
I’m Dr. Matt Bedell, and I’m glad you’re here. Take care.